For the past 6 months we have all spent way more time in our homes with our families. That means the same people day in and day out. For little ones, that can mean they get pretty darn attached to one or both parents. Separation Anxiety is a topic that’s coming up more and more with my clients over the past few months.
There are so many things about the new norm that I am grateful for: slow mornings, less to schedule and balance and more quality family time.
There are definitely some challenges in parenting little ones when for months on end we are the only people they are seeing. No regular play dates, or ballet classes or soccer practice, no preschool or daycare. The list goes on, right?
With that can come some pretty serious separation anxiety for some babies and toddlers.
What Does Separation Anxiety Look Like?
It usually goes something like this…
Mommy is not in the room
That means mommy must have left
I’d rather be with mommy
I am really REALLY upset
As moms, we have so much on our plates and are constantly battling the mom guilt. When your baby has separation anxiety it makes getting out the door for work, to run errands or for the occasional self-care near impossible. And if you have friends whose baby’s “will go to anyone” or hear how easy the daycare drop off is from another mom in a Facebook group, it can really get to you.
Here are two things to keep in mind.
First, never compare yourself, or your child, to anyone else and especially not to someone on social media. Remember, they forgot to post the pic of their child having an epic tantrum.
And second, separation anxiety is completely normal, expected, and a sign of a healthy attachment between parent and child. So what is it, exactly?
Separation Anxiety Typically Starts To Occur Around 6-8 Months Of Age
Object permanence is when your baby starts to understand that objects continue to exist even when you cannot be observed. Basically, your little one get’s it that even when you leave the room, you are still there.
In other words, out of sight no longer means out of mind.
Your baby is starting to understand that even though you left the room, you still exist. And this could mean that you may not come back. Yikes!
It’s quite brilliant that your baby can think this way, but also so terribly sad, too. Your babe actually has the thought that the most important human in the entire world may not come back. That idea is absolutely cause for a complete meltdown ridden with anxiety.
The good part it, it’s a sign that your baby is learning and developing just as she should be.
The bad part is that daycare drop off or leaving your baby with a sitter can be an absolute nightmare.
I’ve Got Some Tips To Ease Separation Anxiety Until It Runs It’s Course.
1. Set An Example
Your baby follows your cues, so if you’re not willing to let her out of your sight, she probably could feel unsafe if you aren’t right there with her. Try creating a safe space where she can be left alone to explore on her own for a bit. It’s a small adjustment, but it could have a hugely positive effect.
2. Do It Head On
Don’t take the path of least resistance and totally avoid ever leaving your child. Separation and coming back together is a part of life and a skill she is going to learn. Explain what is going to happen, practice with love and don’t fun from it.
3. Start Slow
Once your child gets that you will spend some time apart, start slow. Make your first outing a short one. Don’t go for a all night date night on the first go.
4. Make It Someone They Know
Call on a trusted family member or close friend for the first couple of outings. Children feel most comfortable with someone they know. So make that call and plan to be away for an hour or so.
5. Don’t Distract and Dash
Even if your goodbye provokes some tears, it’s important for your little one to understand that you’ll be back when you say you will. So whatever you do, don’t distract your kiddo and sneak out the door when she isn’t paying attention. She needs to know you are leaving AND coming back.
6. Establish a Routine
Just like a solid bedtime routine, a goodbye routine can be as helpful. Kids love routine, structure and predictability. Create a little routine with the same number of kisses, a cute little “see you soon” song and a clear indication of when you’ll be back.
7. Speak Her Language
Make sure to speak in terms she will get. Don’t tell her you’ll be back in two hours. Make it relatable to her schedule. Let her know mommy will be back right after lunch, or before nap time.
Nothing can prevent a little upset completely, but those tips will definitely help.
Let me add that these tips are suggested for kids who are dealing with ordinary, everyday separation anxiety. There is also a condition called Separation Anxiety Disorder which is obviously more serious and warrants a trip to your pediatrician if you suspect your little one might be afflicted with it.
For your every day, completely normal separation anxiety, this can be super helpful. Be consistent, supportive, assertive, and calm. Before long, your child will understand that when you leave you will always come back. Always.